When we weren't

It's exceedingly difficult these days to correctly express what's manifest. I believe moreover, it's tantamount to be breathing. Tantamount to what I imagine is sunlight. Somewhere else watches eager.

So it's time at last. We are gone, or, to be gone. It's been too long since mountains.

Up from broken stairwells

spitting bone and chalk,

spitting fire and half-truth.

Up through what waits with drums;

Up through shadows

Up through the perforated night as violent clouds

pretending otherwise.

Pretending we died a long time ago,

Packing once again...

Beatriz and I checked out the house we're looking to rent today, it's definitely workable for the price. And being right next door to Mark and Ember should be pretty fun. We're working on getting everything boxed up this week, we are supposed to sign the lease this Friday, and should be able to move in all this weekend. I'm hoping to rent a Uhaul to make the job a bit more efficient. It would be amazing if we could be mostly done by Sunday....

Holidays and their aftermaths.

Bea and I went to back to Boston for the holidays to see my mom and sister. It was really nice, we ate, as always, impeccably well. I miss the organic french chickens and Wellfleet oysters most. All in all it was quite reserved this year, something was amiss in regard to spirit. I don't quite know what, it was lovely nevertheless. Leaving was it's own ordeal, due to a storm I still say airlines overreacted to, our flight into Phoenix was canceled. Along with hundreds of others. We were supposed to be home December 28th, but the best Jetblue could offer me was an evening flight to San Diego. We got in around midnight and rented a car and drove back to Prescott... I was exhausted to say the least...

Getting home wasn't the end of our turmoils though, upon return we received notice from the bank that they had begun the eviction process in order to get us out of our house so they could sell it. This wasn't by any means unexpected, but regardless we weren't sure when it would come to pass. So since getting back Bea and I have been scrambling to find a new place and sign the necessary paperwork for relocation assistance. If all works out we more than likely will come out ahead. The knowledge of which though does little to ease the stress of the matter. I'm uncertain when I'll finally be able to relax a bit, I've been unable to sleep soundly and live my days in measured sighs.

new house

new house

new house

writhing insatiable or a matter of twists without patience

Bea and I have finally settled in our new place.. we're awaiting the deposit check from Pierce.. I'll feel a great deal better once I can have my savings back underneath me. The realization however that I've finally positioned myself to make a more drastic move is settling in. The feeling isn't as comfortable as I imagined it might be, I feel restless and impatient for something.. anything at all to happen. I want a complete change in perspective and the prospect of waiting until spring doesn't sit well in my stomach.

I'll post some pictures and perhaps a video of our new place, it's nice and obscure enough to be quite comfortable. The reliability however of remaining there is in question as there is rumors of foreclosure.

My mom conspired to surprise me with an early birthday present of a new BBQ grill, it was perfect timing as Bea and I had a house warming/labor day potluck this last Sunday. It looks great in our little porch area we've set up. I'll post pictures this weekend to give a better idea of what I mean.

I've planted some carrots and some squash in a small bed along the porch, they're doing quite well. Beatriz has been taking photos of them everyday to track their progressive growth. I see if I can't make a gif and post it on here.

The glass will always echo
ice settling innocently in the distance.

We will pretend otherwise;
We will pretend the horizon is in cinders.

We will pretend tomorrow.

Me an Meandering

I try to get on through getting on

on the wisp of bee wings

I rearranged my room this morning and am feeling really great about it. It's amazing how simply shifting things around and organizing a bit can change the entire feeling of a space. It's very comfortable now and feels much more open. I'm thinking I might actually spend some more time in there now instead of sitting around in the living room watching movies. I was thinking of picking up a six pack and geeking out tonight. I've arranged all of my instruments so that I can readily play around with them, and was thinking of attempting to do some more odd bits of recording. At very least it would be creative and pressure free.

This week is going to be very hectic, Thursday is Beatriz' graduation and Friday we'll be moving her back up to Prescott. Her mom is going to be staying with us for a little bit which means I need to stop procrastinating on getting everything more organized. I need to clean up the yard and the greenhouse before Saturday, as we're planning on having a rather large family BBQ to celebrate Beatriz' achievements.

I'm really very excited about finally having Beatriz back, it's been a long hard road to this point and I think it's nearing a time when I'll be able to concentrate a little more successfully on where it is I need to be going in life.

Kerouac with fresh catnip.

at least there's today

I've been restless lately. Prone to anxiety and depression for unknown reasons. Nothing is different or more stressful or bleak. I don't quite know how to rid myself of feeling this way. Today isn't bad. I stayed up late last night watching an immature and pointless movie. I was misinformed as to what it was about. Kerouac woke me up frequently and yet I feel quite rested. I imagine it has something to do with actually having coffee this morning.

My garden is coming along surprisingly well. I'd held off planting tomatoes from seeds because I thought it might be too difficult, my garden disagreed and decided to grow a thriving tomato plant on its own. Beatriz was up this last weekend and entrusted me with her very large arrowhead vine. I've strung the leaves along some twine above my nasturtiums and the two plants are rapidly reaching out to one another. I hope they don't conflict. I'll take some pictures as soon as I can and post them.

Beatriz graduates in about a month and will be moving back up to Prescott. I'm pretty well stoked for it all. I'm anxious though for what it means for me. In waiting for her to finish I've put my own goals on hold, and feel a great deal like I've lost sight of where it is I want to be. I'm unsure of how to go about re-inspiring myself to see a path toward anything. I hope though, that having her back for good will trigger something like a light switch in me. Time will tell I suppose.

idle hearts

I think I may attempt to Frankenstein a computer out of the myriad bits I have laying about. I'd like to build a primitive media pc for the my new television. I'm falling behind on some of my shows mostly because I haven't worked out a way to watch them in the living room... something about sitting in front of a computer detracts from my ability to relax and enjoy what I'm watching. I'll have to see what sort of inputs I have to work with. It's a project at least. Something to take my mind off of things.

I noticed this morning that my beans have begun to sprout pods, quite rapidly too. It's impressive to me that I've actually grown food... I'm hesitant to eat any of it though... it's like eating my children in a way. I realize of course that with most of what I'm growing, eating it won't actually kill the plant. But, something just feels off about it, perhaps it's also because I enjoy watching them grow so much, that I'd like for them to continue.

I found quite a lovely grooveshark station via reddit the other day. Have a listen to it here. It's composed of the most beautiful songs as suggested by reddit users.

I'm hoping to force some productivity into my life starting with this weekend. I'd like to go on the search for a couch for the living room so that I can finally move the futon into my study. If I can't find anything, I'd like to at least get things a bit more organized.

greenhouse update

Everything has been coming along quite nicely, thought I would share some pictures.

onward and...

I've been thinking more and more about where to go next, and it's getting me nowhere fast. I think I need to start looking into some schools again... perhaps it will inspire me.

I've been considering Western Washington University again because Beatriz' brother Frank has applied and is planning on moving up to Bellingham. It was a pretty sweet town seemingly similar to Prescott in that it balanced old with new fairly nicely. On the one hand this sort of place would be familiar but on the other I'm under the impression that familiarity may not be the best thing for me in regard to smaller cities/towns. The other possibility is the potential for Bea to get into a Teach for America sort of situation, which would be an incredible opportunity and possibly decide for us a destination. All in all, I think what makes this sort of thinking difficult is that I could care less where I end up so long as it has a decent amount of culture, and a decent variety of schools.

Really I'm just becoming impatient to get back into school full time... I'm in desperate need of both structure and intellectual stimulation. Lately, I've been helping Bea do some research for a paper on Francis Bacon, and it's reminded me of how good researching feels... if only I had the discipline to research things without a deadline.