new house

new house

new house

writhing insatiable or a matter of twists without patience

Bea and I have finally settled in our new place.. we're awaiting the deposit check from Pierce.. I'll feel a great deal better once I can have my savings back underneath me. The realization however that I've finally positioned myself to make a more drastic move is settling in. The feeling isn't as comfortable as I imagined it might be, I feel restless and impatient for something.. anything at all to happen. I want a complete change in perspective and the prospect of waiting until spring doesn't sit well in my stomach.

I'll post some pictures and perhaps a video of our new place, it's nice and obscure enough to be quite comfortable. The reliability however of remaining there is in question as there is rumors of foreclosure.

My mom conspired to surprise me with an early birthday present of a new BBQ grill, it was perfect timing as Bea and I had a house warming/labor day potluck this last Sunday. It looks great in our little porch area we've set up. I'll post pictures this weekend to give a better idea of what I mean.

I've planted some carrots and some squash in a small bed along the porch, they're doing quite well. Beatriz has been taking photos of them everyday to track their progressive growth. I see if I can't make a gif and post it on here.

The glass will always echo
ice settling innocently in the distance.

We will pretend otherwise;
We will pretend the horizon is in cinders.

We will pretend tomorrow.

Me an Meandering

I try to get on through getting on

on the wisp of bee wings

I rearranged my room this morning and am feeling really great about it. It's amazing how simply shifting things around and organizing a bit can change the entire feeling of a space. It's very comfortable now and feels much more open. I'm thinking I might actually spend some more time in there now instead of sitting around in the living room watching movies. I was thinking of picking up a six pack and geeking out tonight. I've arranged all of my instruments so that I can readily play around with them, and was thinking of attempting to do some more odd bits of recording. At very least it would be creative and pressure free.

This week is going to be very hectic, Thursday is Beatriz' graduation and Friday we'll be moving her back up to Prescott. Her mom is going to be staying with us for a little bit which means I need to stop procrastinating on getting everything more organized. I need to clean up the yard and the greenhouse before Saturday, as we're planning on having a rather large family BBQ to celebrate Beatriz' achievements.

I'm really very excited about finally having Beatriz back, it's been a long hard road to this point and I think it's nearing a time when I'll be able to concentrate a little more successfully on where it is I need to be going in life.

Kerouac with fresh catnip.

at least there's today

I've been restless lately. Prone to anxiety and depression for unknown reasons. Nothing is different or more stressful or bleak. I don't quite know how to rid myself of feeling this way. Today isn't bad. I stayed up late last night watching an immature and pointless movie. I was misinformed as to what it was about. Kerouac woke me up frequently and yet I feel quite rested. I imagine it has something to do with actually having coffee this morning.

My garden is coming along surprisingly well. I'd held off planting tomatoes from seeds because I thought it might be too difficult, my garden disagreed and decided to grow a thriving tomato plant on its own. Beatriz was up this last weekend and entrusted me with her very large arrowhead vine. I've strung the leaves along some twine above my nasturtiums and the two plants are rapidly reaching out to one another. I hope they don't conflict. I'll take some pictures as soon as I can and post them.

Beatriz graduates in about a month and will be moving back up to Prescott. I'm pretty well stoked for it all. I'm anxious though for what it means for me. In waiting for her to finish I've put my own goals on hold, and feel a great deal like I've lost sight of where it is I want to be. I'm unsure of how to go about re-inspiring myself to see a path toward anything. I hope though, that having her back for good will trigger something like a light switch in me. Time will tell I suppose.

idle hearts

I think I may attempt to Frankenstein a computer out of the myriad bits I have laying about. I'd like to build a primitive media pc for the my new television. I'm falling behind on some of my shows mostly because I haven't worked out a way to watch them in the living room... something about sitting in front of a computer detracts from my ability to relax and enjoy what I'm watching. I'll have to see what sort of inputs I have to work with. It's a project at least. Something to take my mind off of things.

I noticed this morning that my beans have begun to sprout pods, quite rapidly too. It's impressive to me that I've actually grown food... I'm hesitant to eat any of it though... it's like eating my children in a way. I realize of course that with most of what I'm growing, eating it won't actually kill the plant. But, something just feels off about it, perhaps it's also because I enjoy watching them grow so much, that I'd like for them to continue.

I found quite a lovely grooveshark station via reddit the other day. Have a listen to it here. It's composed of the most beautiful songs as suggested by reddit users.

I'm hoping to force some productivity into my life starting with this weekend. I'd like to go on the search for a couch for the living room so that I can finally move the futon into my study. If I can't find anything, I'd like to at least get things a bit more organized.

greenhouse update

Everything has been coming along quite nicely, thought I would share some pictures.

onward and...

I've been thinking more and more about where to go next, and it's getting me nowhere fast. I think I need to start looking into some schools again... perhaps it will inspire me.

I've been considering Western Washington University again because Beatriz' brother Frank has applied and is planning on moving up to Bellingham. It was a pretty sweet town seemingly similar to Prescott in that it balanced old with new fairly nicely. On the one hand this sort of place would be familiar but on the other I'm under the impression that familiarity may not be the best thing for me in regard to smaller cities/towns. The other possibility is the potential for Bea to get into a Teach for America sort of situation, which would be an incredible opportunity and possibly decide for us a destination. All in all, I think what makes this sort of thinking difficult is that I could care less where I end up so long as it has a decent amount of culture, and a decent variety of schools.

Really I'm just becoming impatient to get back into school full time... I'm in desperate need of both structure and intellectual stimulation. Lately, I've been helping Bea do some research for a paper on Francis Bacon, and it's reminded me of how good researching feels... if only I had the discipline to research things without a deadline.

At first it's broken ribs and lipstick,
all make believe for what's expected.


then nothing.

catch-22

pinpoints of necessity

I've decided to assemble my desk tonight.. or attempt to. I am hoping that I left the necessary pieces inside. My plan is to put it in the greenhouse and give myself a place to write in the hopes of having it be separate from the distractions of the rest of my environment. Just me alone with my plants.

Speaking of which, nearly everything I planted has sprouted/rapidly grown in a few weeks time. Seemingly within no time, I'll have a green oasis to escape to from the otherwise arid landscape or darkened cave I've become accustomed to.

In other news I'm as lost as I ever was in regard to knowing what it is I need to be doing. My life has become pinpoints of necessity marked inconsistently with periods of glorious abandon. I feel not dissimilar to a breached fish gasping, though instead of air I'm convulsing in the absence of reason. Everything I am is in revolt to the current path I'm on, and I'm powerless to do anything about anything except watch time tick by carrying with it what should be my most productive years. Years where I should have been making the most of whatever innate passion, intelligence, attractiveness, creativity, and drive I'd been able to hold onto for such a time. Instead I've been in waiting; living only by a means of constant distraction from the reality of it all.

At least we'd have dreams

If a voice could.
Sinuous as symptoms,
know me; what then does it at all
matter.

plant exploits

Much to my satisfaction, I've managed to sprout both spinach and peas in the greenhouse. Bea and I picked up a bunch of seeds Sunday and I planted the flower portion this morning. There are two beds in the greenhouse, and I've decided to keep one section entirely flowers, and the other entirely vegetables. I haven't quite worked out where it is I'll be planting the veggies, as we probably went a bit overboard in picking them out and may not have the room. I'll try and take some picture tonight or tomorrow and post the progress from week to week.

It's been a while since I've made any communication with this site... I've been uprooted and as a foreseen result been forced into alienation. This room is not my room anymore than four walls can contain a fire. I am not home yet. Not at home between the carrying of bits the roof may have been. Without you it's not at all worth any bit. I carry matches in case; and burrow wildly for the chance.

i am awash in it

moving on

Beatriz and I dropped off the deposit check this morning.. it's only a week until we are supposed to move in.. I'm feeling a lot more positive about the whole thing now that most of the financial stress is done with. Also, in packing up everything in our living room it seems that the task of moving may not be as herculean as I'd first imagined. Although, the piano may have to become a permanent fixture...

My aunt gave Beatriz and I a check for festivus that I intend to put toward starter plants.. I'm hoping I can still get some variety this late into winter. If not, I'll have to see what I can do about spawning some veggies from the grocery store. I'm hoping to be able to grow garlic, green onion, and some variety of pepper for starters... I'll need to have my mother impart some of her green thumb wisdom...

your life in a cardboard box.

Beatriz and I have begun packing all of our belongings... it's an uncomfortable task. To see who you are through the things you've held onto and be forced into recalling the memories of inanimate objects. In the process of packing we're setting aside as much as possible to give away or donate.. but it's a troubling sort of endeavor when you must play triage with your memories. Books are the hardest for me.. they've always seemed to carry with them an individual spirit, an entirely unique smell that's capable of transporting you to when you first gripped their bindings... like time in a bottle.

I've been doing alright by it though I suppose... I can't justify owning multiple copies of the same books after all. I only hope I'm as successful with my other anchors.

New house

So..... our application was approved.. and we've given our 30 days to our current landlord... now however comes the incredibly stressful task of figuring out how to pay for everything. I'm leaving myself very little wiggle room in regard to finances and I've never been comfortable with not having an exit strategy. I'm filled with too many mixed emotions. Unfortunately as of now, the stress and anxiety over paying and over how to actually move everything is outweighing any sort of excitement. I'm mostly feeling unsure on whether or not this is the right decision. I know that I'll be better off emotionally and mentally with more space to breathe; and in a place that isn't crumbling around me... but at the same time I worry about handling everything myself... I worry about where this decision will leave me financially and how long it will take to recover.

I just feel like I need to do this to convince myself it's possible.. I've been stuck in the house I'm in feeling fearful about disrupting the stability with any major changes.. and feel like that fear is so strong it's clouding my ability to even imagine moving on to wherever it is I need to be next... I can't see through the uncertainty with bravery.

I had prepared myself to move several years ago.. I had all but packed when plans changed.. I think it's left me wounded in regard to feeling like I have what it takes to pick up and leave. So to move even across town may be all it takes to rid me of the fear of change. To rid me of feeling like I need to grip tightly onto whatever stability I can find regardless of the conditions. I'm hopeful of this at least... but clouded by doubt and anxiety...

experiments in inspiration

so you want to be a writer?
by Charles Bukowski

if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.





I've read this poem a hundred times at various points in my life with the practice in mind of applying the logic within it towards how I write, and how I attempt to write. I've read it when I've been unable to stop writing, and when I can't seem to utter a word. I've viewed it as an accusation against my processes and products, and as a rallying cry of heading in the right direction. I feel though my problems with writing are not about writing at all, but about reading. I've fallen out of the habit of reading. In this way, I am not unlike a painter with too little paint. I have no new ideas, no new words, no life at all to put onto paper.

Need to get the hell out of here.

So since we've gotten back, we've reached the final straw in our relationship with our house. A pipe had apparently been leaking for upwards of a month in our bathroom. The situation was only exacerbated by having the bathroom door shut for nearly the entire time we were away on vacation due to a need to separate our cats. The stagnant air and the fact that the pipe in question was hot water made the perfect breeding environment for mold. So underneath our tub within the cabinetry was a massive amount of mold and general water damage. Being that we've had major issues getting anything fixed in a timely manner we pretty well made up our minds to get out as soon as possible.

Bea and I submitted an application to rent our friend's old house and are hopeful to hear something within the next couple of days. I'm trying not to get overly excited about the potential of getting into it, but it's rather hard not to fantasize about it. I'm most excited about the prospect of the green house room. I think that it would be amazing and cathartic to be able to garden. The inside of our current house is too dark to support any plant life, and the soil in the backyard is too bleached by the proximity to a creak to support anything but weeds. After visiting my sister and seeing how easily things grow there, I was quite jealous of the luxury of fresh herbs. And with a greenhouse I'd actually be able to have a small vegetable garden.

I went back to work today and have to say I've actually missed it quite a bit. Also, it was nice to know that everything has been moderately quiet, so I haven't really missed anything. It's a strange time to be working at a college, everything is deserted so to speak, and it feels a bit like ghostland.

eros

cosmonaut aspirations