.

In ghettos of our memories we rely too heavily on what wasn't when it was, and what isn't in what is now. We form great cathedrals of miniature statues; giants of men and hurricanes of women. It's never enough to not be then
and then never could hide well beneath old shadows.

The feeling at first is not unlike bending bone. The elm knows in violent spiraling, knuckles give and faith burns wildly in the corner.

I take a drink, and another.

In some desperate agreement.

Morning of the last full day here

I'm up late, can't quite sleep... it's only 11:00pm my time and 1:00am here... today was pretty chill. We went to the garment district which when I knew it was a thrift store where you could find a pretty cheap deal on vintage or 'punk' clothing. It still has the clothes per pound section which is great... but it's really mostly woman's clothes and most of the things I was interested in were quite expensive. I found a wool hat in my style, but I'll need to wear it in before it's comfortable.

I realized today that I lost my lighter I bought in Atlanta. This sort of thing happens all too regularly.. anything I'm happy about seems short lived or lost. It was not meant to be I suppose.

We had a lobster dinner tonight courtesy of myself and a rabbi.. hopefully he doesn't find out.. I'm not sure he'd be happy. Either way it wasn't quite as spectacular as I remembered it as a kid.. but nothing ever is. Very good nonetheless..

We're supposed to get up fairly early tomorrow and go to the south shore and see the ocean. I'm hoping that we'll be able to spend a decent amount of time there without feeling rushed or on a schedule. Schedules always make the time spent before and after overshadowed. I feel like vacations are inevitably and unfortunately a process of this.

We're hopefully going to eat dinner with the Strouds tomorrow which should be great. Christmas isn't long enough to catch up on a years absence.

Need a new home.

Bea and I are really itching to get out of our house. It's falling apart and run by a slumlord whom garnered so much hatred recently, a radio host in Globe made a 'stick it to wilt' station in a Safeway parking lot whereby listeners were encouraged to come down and stick pin cushions in a voodoo doll effigy of him. Our friends Jeff and Heather are having to move out of their house which is a really nice place, but we've done the math and can't really afford it. I'd like to talk to my dad and see if maybe he can't pitch me the money for the few months until Bea moves back... but I'm not sure he'd be down for that.

Unfortunately, now isn't the greatest time to be looking for a rental property... let alone one in our price range. We just know that we'll likely be stuck in Arizona for another year saving money to go on to wherever, but it would be great to be in a place that's not falling apart and depressing. I need a change in environment in order to change my thought patterns about where I'm going in life.

All I know is that going home to that house is depressing and overwhelming all in the same. I think I may look into it more and speak with my dad.... we'll see...

Christmas aftermath

Much too much to decompress from. Christmas always seems like this uproarious preparatory event and then it's upon you and over as soon as it starts. The dinner wasn't without drama, but was quite lovely all the same. Seeing the Strouds was wonderful, and meeting my cousin Timon's son was great. My favorite gift has to be a box my mom gave me filled with thousands of childhood pictures and a handwritten note with all the historical details of my childhood. Full names and histories and dates and times of various points I was too young to remember and have no head to remember now. I can't wait to get home and decompress a bit and look through it all. I don't have the mental space here to enjoy the nostalgia of it entirely.

Last minute this morning we found out about a get together at my Aunt's house in Falmouth and despite being a bit under the weather we headed out. It was great to see her and my cousins; it's surreal in some ways because she's become the matriarch of my dad's family and has in many ways taken over many of the roles and mannerisms my grandmother used to do and display. It was nice nevertheless, to catch up with her and visit.

The next few days are going to be pretty jam packed with stuff as we approach our departure on Wednesday. I have mixed feelings as always with heading home. I miss my friends and my animals and comfortable little home... (although, more so the environment I've created there, and not the home itself) I feel though a sense of sadness leaving my mom, and miss the things that made this place home not all too long ago. Childhood is perhaps forever that ghost that reminds you of simpler more free times, when you weren't burdened by the looming threats of adulthood.

Neighbors in the basement.

My mom's house is an old colonial that's been modified into two separate living areas. For years she's told me about the bizarre neighbors and tonight I finally met them. Beatriz was ironing a table clothe for my mom in the basement, which is not separate from the adjoining basement. I was attempting to play the violin and noticed all of a sudden in the darkness of a figure standing staring at us. I stopped playing suddenly and she stumbled out toward us awkwardly. She asked us what we were doing and Bea told her ironing, she was visibly out of it... drunk or high or who knows what... and just stood there oddly staring at us. She didn't really say anything else so I started to put away the violin thinking it had bothered her, after I did there was about a minute more of her just standing there staring at us before I asked her what she was up to, and she didn't really respond coherently, seemingly concerned at the strangers in the basement and unable to come up with words in her stupor. Then the light on her side came on and her boyfriend?/room mate? came down in similarly inebriated state and sort of stood by her side staring at us. Thankfully my mom came down to get something and dealt with them a bit... and they left us. It was odd to say the least, and really only confirmed my fear of the dark corners in basements. Beware, there may be someone watching you from the shadows.

Any other eve.

I'm getting pretty excited for tomorrow, mostly to see the reaction of people to the gifts I've chosen. I find that the older I get the more the holidays become about the joy of giving, rather than the excitement of what I might get. I think this is coupled by the realization that I have to get rid of so many of belongings in order to move onto to wherever it is that next place will be. Belongings at this point in my life are a bit like tiny anchors, the more I have the more I feel stuck where I am by them. So receiving more items as gifts can be a bit overwhelming. My mom is apparently in the same place as me, and has developed a great way to overcome it. She is giving things she's treasured away to others who will treasure them as well. I'm quite interested to see what she's chosen for me.

Christmas day should be pretty intense. My family goes all out in regard to Christmas dinner, and we'll be having more guests over than usual. My Cousin Timon and his wife Hillary, and his son, our adopted family Dick and Martha and Ben.. I say adopted because at some point family friend isn't adequate enough to describe the relationship. I'm extremely excited to see everyone and hope that the night is as wonderful as it usually is.

We still have a few errands left to get accomplished today, so hopefully the malls are not complete madhouses... although I'm sure they will be. I hate the atmosphere of the consumer craze that goes on in this season, but it seems a necessary evil to tolerate in order to provide some excitement for the people you love.

Atlanta into Boston.

We spent Sunday morning watching my Sister warm up and scrimmage for the Atlanta Roller girls. The scrimmage was intense! I'd known something of the fierceness of the game, but until you see it you don't really know to what extent. Kirstin is great at Jamming, which essentially is speeding around the pack to score points. You have to weave in and out to get through while the rival team attempts to knock you out or block you. She is quite quick but can handle a large hit without going over which is what inevitably scores points. I was really impressed. I filmed a bit of the practice before the scrimmage, but since it's a corporation of sorts I really wasn't supposed to be filming and was asked to stop. So I didn't get any video of them scrimmaging.

Afterwards we attempted to check out Stone Mountain, but it wasn't entirely what we expected. It cost $10.00 to get in to the park, and additional money to really see or do anything in it. We only had about a half hour to spend there until my dad had to catch his flight, so we sort of ended up just paying to get in to park for a bit and catch a glimpse of the mountain and it's carving from outside the gated areas.

We packed up and hit the road around 9:00 pm. My sister drove us into South Carolina and I took over and let Bea and her sleep. I drove straight through the night and got us through South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia and into Maryland before becoming completely warn out. Thank you red bull and five hour energy shots for allowing me to drive like a maniac. I was happy to do it, except that it took at great deal out of me, and didn't give me any opportunity to recoup before reaching Ben and Libby's house.

Ben and Libby live in this amazing farm house with their beautiful children. We visited for a few hours with them and then headed back out on the road toward Boston. The rest of the drive was pretty chill until New York. We hit pretty bad traffic on the George Washington Bridge. It was bumper to bumper for about an hour. We got through it though and made it to Boston about 10:30pm. All and all, not a terribly taxing road trip. We namely rested up yesterday and worked on a few things around the house.

Bea and I did our best... sort of... at putting together a Christmas tree from branches and various lights and ornaments. Everyone says it's nice, but we feel like it sort of looks a child did it. I treated everyone to some Wellfleet Oysters last night to test out our Christmas cocktail, very scrumptious. Then Kirstin made some fresh Pasta and muscles and a goat cheese salad. We didn't eat though until like 1:00 in the morning for some reason. Either how it was all super tasty.

Today we're going to into Harvard Square for a few quick errands and then work on getting the last tidbits ready for Christmas day.

I haven't had chance to upload any video or pictures, but when I do I'll edit these posts to include some of them.

Atlanta (cont.)

The aquarium was amazing. Filled with a menagerie of wondrous creatures. The most of which for me was the weedy sea dragon. Mostly for their mating ritual, which unfortunately they weren't actively engaged in. Weedy Seadragon. The whale shark fell a close second in their massiveness and beauty. Afterwards we ate at Gladys Knights waffle and chicken restaurant which was gluttonous to say the least. The food was entirely of the comfort variety, with sweet yams and cornbread to accompany the mac and cheese and perfectly fried chicken.

We hit up a local coffee house/bar called the java monkey which was lovely and chill. I drank a 10% by volume beer named St. Bernard which was amazingly tasty. All and all an amazing day. Call me impressed by Atlanta and it's surrounding areas.

Atlanta

Bea and I got into Atlanta last night. The airport is insane, and the city itself is huge. Kirstin lives in a very cute house seemingly in the suburbs. It's very comfortable, and decorated and organized in a very chill manner. Her pets are also quite adorable, Zoe as always is a dork and thinks she's a human. Her other dog Blondie, I've nicknamed smiley. He seems permanently happy and like a ragdoll of a pup. Very loving both of them. Kirstin also has two beautiful cats, Rufus and Miko. Miko is inquisitive and reminds me of Kerouac, Rufus is more his own cat and seems to care less whether anyone new is in his home.

Rufus eating his salad:


The other chitlins:



Bea and I met up with my dad last night and had some dinner at a restaurant called Leons. It was a really great place. Great beers, and good food. I had the Terrapin Hopsecutioner; quite tasty.

Today, it's raining and pretty miserable out so the plan is we'll head to the aquarium and spend the day wandering its halls. I'm pretty stoked for it, it is apparently the largest aquarium in the world. I'll film here or there and maybe puts some videos up here in the next couple of days. After the aquarium we're supposed to eat at Gladys Knights restaurant which I'm quite stoked about. Yum yum yum.

My dad is leaving Sunday, and as the plan remains we're supposed to head off toward Boston that evening.

.

Holiday trip

So much to do, so little time in which to do it. Next Thursday Bea and I are flying out of Phoenix to rendezvous with Kirstin and my Dad in Atlanta. We're going to spend a few days touring Atlanta and spending some quality time with Pops. Then we're driving from Atlanta to Boston to spend Christmas with my Mom. It's going to be crazy and fun and crazy... so I'm certainly looking forward to the whole thing... I just feel very unprepared. I finished most of my shopping, but there's a few other *surprises* for people I haven't quite gotten wrapped up. I am looking forward to a bit of a road trip too. It's going to be a great opportunity to catch up with my sister. I really hope we don't run into any wintry weather. I'll have to check the forecast and see if I can get an idea.

Atlanta should certainly be interesting. I've heard my share of good and bad, either how though it'll be interesting to see where my sister is living. I'm extremely excited to check out Gladys Knight's chicken and waffle restaurant; (http://gladysandron.net/) It sounds incredible.

I'm stoked to be in Boston for a bit too, there's quite a few things I'd like to check out and do while I'm there. Not the least of which is seeing the beach... Being landlocked was never my idea of good time, and I miss the ocean fiercely.

Feeling lost

I've been feeling increasingly dissatisfied with my overall place in this world... the constant monotony of my habitual living has grown quite tiresome. I'm stuck between work and fleeting distraction. With little to no change in my routine I'm feeling a bit like I relive the same day, day-to-day. What's worse, I have virtually no options to change my circumstances until months from now, and the very act of waiting seems to make waiting all the more difficult.

Nothing of it. All makes manifest;

I grow less convinced of ghosts the more they are not there.

God knows, isn't quite enough anymore.

constants

What matters won't,
and that's what matters most.

among the living again

Well I'm nearly entirely recovered from my bout of h1n1. It was likely the sickest I've been since I was a child. Even after my fever broke, I was laid up in bed for about four days. The sinus pressure that forced its way into my cranium after the worst of it has also pretty well left me. So suffice it to say I'm feeling quite good to have any modicum of energy back. I'm hoping that I don't have any relapse in the near future, and that this flu will be the extent of my sickness this winter. I am now in a bit of a pinch financially having missed a week of work. My dad fronted me some cash to cover some of the loss, but I'll still need to put in some extra hours so that I don't fall behind on any bills.

I'm thinking I might attempt to write tonight, but I'd like to have a few drinks if I do, and I've been trying to take it easy until I'm a hundred percent sure all the bugs are out of my system. So... I may have to put it off until later this week. Oh well... we'll see how I'm feeling after my shift is over.

like a rotten peach;


all sugar cities and perfect hearing gone awry

Where does the junkie go when his fix is holy?
What do priests pray for in the dead of loneliness?
When God has abandoned all hope and there is only an echo in nothing amongst stars,
or the lack thereof.

We are a weak and death prone race of liars and visionaries.
All to our own poisoning flock in cascading regularity.
We sit frowning at the godhead for something more impressive or relevent;
blind entirely to whatever it was was the point of this.

Like mad cattle affixed to an ever growing field of just enough nourishment.
Never beyond what mad men dream is actually the grass or sun or love before slaughter.
But enough for us to ignore and feed liars.
Enough for the lie to become our grass our sun our love.

I pray for fire;
nothing is always better than the pretense preceding.

beneath believing all manner is

Between what remains

Go forth absent children
Everything is perfectly okay.


There are fires yet unlit and an eye upon everything.


We hoped our children might save us;


Schrodinger had a similar idea.

tempests all of them

rest assured

stream of consciousness

America you form twisted knots that wretch violently about what feels to be a diminishing container of fearful blood and jail bar bones loosely containing a caged muscle of inordinate hopefulness.

Your inhabitants die ad nauseum between sinuous oil stained claws that lay in waiting beneath their reptilian hosts to gnaw out in desperate ignorance the noxious breaths of that poisonous fruit passed in lineage with whips stinking of how the devil profits.

transparency

.

without a dream of escape all manner of thing wither into a pale dust,
and there is always a wind around the corner
waiting with desperate convictions.

wherever there is doubt, at best roam only a few paper ghosts

It was at that moment that everything changed.

Axioms; Or, how now brown cow at 25

I realize this won't matter, and nothing never minded when tested.

It's better to pretend; lying is only ever an admission of why it's important to form imaginary friends as a networked force against reality.

I tell people I'm an atheist mostly for their reaction. It's best, however when they ask me to explain, and I tell them what I mean is I don't believe in Christians.


Questions like 'how many angels can you fit on the head of a pin?' assume far too much about the size of said pin.

"I'll forget about this;" and with most, so will their failures.

Great curtains could have hemmed themselves in that moment you
in earnest stopped looking.

With promises form imaginary friends, as though we'll all but form pillars in looking back.

As for where it ends?

between our poison, between our flailing branch
sweet soot burrows her limp head in what may have been

of ash grows a gown
as fire
once sweetly so
now given to wild and benevolent pruning.

If ever there were a place to rest

or else,

I will believe in better things someday.

best laid plans

the only ever

'One baby to another said,
I'm lucky to have met you'

one arm in

about believing

when there's nothing left.

between the silence

If ever there were a place to rest.

two feet planted form a tree

Well I'm back from my trek to Montana for my grandmothers memorial and subsequent family reunion. It was insanely interesting to meet my mom's side of the family. I'm still sort of trying to sort out how exactly I feel about it all. I can't quite compose my thoughts yet, it's strange to go from feeling quite alone, or rather, disconnected from any extended family to seeing how all the pieces fit. It was most intriguing to make sense of parts of who I am, who my sister is, and who my mom is from who my family is. I'll likely explain this more when I can muster the composure to understand the feeling in context, but nevertheless, it was really great, albeit exhausting.

Bea is moving back to Tucson this weekend, and I'll have a nonstop work week with the start of classes next Monday. So, I'm hoping I'll have the time soon to rest and think on everything. We shall see.

one of the devils daughters

Been a while since last we...

Well much muchness has occurred since last I made an entry. I'll start with Frida, whom two Saturdays ago confronted a skunk in the backyard, which effectively drove my friends away and destroyed my sense of smell for several days. It's been a while since the incident but every so often the wafting stench can be uncovered wherever the air is still. As for Frida, she really couldn't have cared less, and seems no worse for wear as a result of the encounter. When I found the stink bomb of a pup out back, she was wagging her tail and appeared happy to've made a new friend.

The next most interesting thing to've occurred, is the rock wall by the back door that has been slowly separating for a few years now finally collapsed. Thankfully, it happened at night and none of the animals were nearby. Having examined the construction methods I'm quite surprised it didn't keal over sooner. It appears to've been built by applying a layer of cement to the exterior wall of the house, layering rocks upon it, then packing mud upon and another layer of rocks, then covering the whole thing with cement. Of a concern to Beatriz and I is the structural integrity of the rocks directly above the doorway, they appear fairly solid, but it's an uncomfortable feeling nonetheless. Beatriz called the landlord who requested us to draw a diagram of the incident, we haven't heard back since.

Beatriz' birthday and subsequent party is this Friday. She's turning 25 and the theme is 'chrome'. Everyone is wear as much silver as possible. I picked up a vest from the DAV and am going to spray paint it when I get off work today. I'm thinking I'll try to find an old pair of pants I hardly wear and cut them into shorts, and then spray paint those as well. But the crustiness might make them quite uncomfortable. We're supposed to go to 80's night tonight at Sundances, which should be quite interesting. I haven't been to the bars in quite a while, and we'll likely have to be there late, as Beatriz will get quarter drinks.. or drink, I'm not sure which, between 12:00 and closing. Saturday Beatriz and I are planning to celebrate here birthday more intimately and I'm very much hoping my gifts arrive in time, or else I'm going to have very few surprises.

I impulsively spent money I really didn't have on an X-box 360 last weekend. I've been wanting one for quite a while, as the X-box live feature really interested me because most of my friends are on there. I'm kicking myself now however because I really didn't shop around, and inadvertantly found a much better deal on NewEgg. I was set to return the X-box but managed to lose the reciept due to carelessness. As a result, I decided to put some stuff on Ebay to attempt to make some extra cash. My friend John is facilitating the process which is brilliant because he knows far more about the process than I do, and has a very good user rating. I'm selling my Ps2 and all my games in hopes of paying off the new system. At which point I think I'll finally have upgraded to next gen consoles, hopefully I won't be screwed by some transition to even newer gen.

Next week I'll be flying to Seattle to meet my mom and sister. We're going to driver to Montana to meet the rest of my Mom's family and attend a memorial for my grandmother. It's a week long trip and will be very interesting to see where my mom grew up, and meet cousins and aunts and uncles I haven't seen since I was in daipers. I purchased a mini hd camera for the trip and am thinking about making a documentary of the experience. I imagine the trip will present the whole spectrum of emotion from sorrow to joy. It will interesting to see whether or not my anticipations of drama will come to fruition. There is a great deal of difference between my immediate family and my extended family in regard to politics and religion. Whether or not this will be brought up is left to the future, but if it is, I'm imagining it would be extremely interesting to document. I'm thinking that I'll interview my mom and sister along the way, and add commentary as to what's going through my head. I'm bringing my macbook, so I can dump all my recording onto it and edit things later on. I'd like to edit down to the most interesting parts and add music and make it into a sort of indy documentary. I think the end product would be an important thing to hold onto, as it's very likely that I won't see many of the members of my family again.

Well I should likely get back to reading up on php/sql I'm finding the material incredibly dry and must use all of willpower not to let my mind wander off toward other things.

I've been imagining and plagued by where pretense rests her head for the long dead messages to appear brightly spoken.

.

.

With uproarious applause the noise of poison manifests it's horrors against us.

Success!

So last night I received a normal bmi score from the wii fit! It was quite an encouraging sight to behold, I've felt much better as of late, but the visual gratification of being deemed 'normal' at anything was quite satisfying. It's a strange thing psychologically to realize that it took a video game to get me to succeed at giving a damn about exercising. I'll beat you wii fit! Mark my words, I'll win at your devilish games!

On to other news; I've been working on implementing a php/mysql server at work to communicate with my inventory database. It's been simultaneously interesting and incredibly frustrating. I left my computer locked over the weekend to preserve my work in it's delicate state in hopes of getting started exactly where I left off come Monday morning. Low and behold however, my computer was carelessly power cycled by one of my colleagues. Suffice it to say, last weeks work was either gone completely, or severely corrupted. I spent the better half of this week attempting to fix things, and then finally decided to start again from scratch. Although it was quite infuriating to have felt as though I wasted my time, in the end I was better off for having to redo everything because I have a much better grasp on what all it was I had done to begin with. It's taught me a great deal about server administration and it's been quite inspiring in regard to personal aspirations for creating a website. I'm thinking I might take a class on web design or php/html coding. I could likely get work to pay for it, and might be able to find it taught online, meaning I could take the class during work. It's always infinitely more satisfying to take classes when you're paid to be in them.

Beatriz is going to Tucson this weekend, so I'll have the weekend to myself. I'm thinking I'll try to snag some movies from the share and ship in the netflix so I can vedge out and watch movies. I've been notoriously bad at keeping my netflix for months at a time, so hopefully if I mail them tomorrow I'll get new ones in by this weekend.

there is a reason for everything

happy things for happy times